Treading Water

Full. I feel so full. No, I wasn´t hungry recently and then binged on snacks. My head is so full. There´s too much to process. I don´t know how to move it all to the right places. The last few months have wrecked and turned upside down all that I had planned for this year. I should have known better. Nothing ever turns out the way you expect. Sometimes that comes in the form of small adjustments. Other times it comes in crashing waves of change.

The waves hit for a solid month and now I just feel like I´m floating in the middle of the ocean trying to figure out which way I should swim to find shore. There´s only blue all around. The sea blends into the sky and I have no direction. I´m not panicking and afraid of drowning, I am, however, growing tired of treading water. Half of the day I think I should go in search to the east, but then the other half of the day, no, go north. If those are the correct directions anyway. There was almost two months of a lull between devastating crashing waves. I am just as turned around after the most recent ones as I was initially. But these seem to have cut my heart even more deeply than the first set.

I don´t know how to go forward. I do not want to do it alone. I crave the Lord´s intimacy, but do not know how to experience it in the depths.